01 Apr 2012
by lissacloudin Family
I have been kind of ignoring this blog lately. Not for any particular reason, really…i just haven’t had much to say.
I suppose, given the general whiny content of most of my posts, thats a good thing! I just haven’t had anything to whine about for a while.
i suppose I coud have come crying when the doc told me that he is “strongly reccomending” that i not get on a snowboard again. ever. but instead i went out and got cross country skiis and started learning to do that, because face it, a whole winter with awesome snow and no way to play in it would suck!!!
I can’t remember if I told you guys about the seizures i have been having for a while now, and how i have to be careful with my energy and not get too tired…They are not grand mal type seizures so they pose no danger to me or anyone around me, especially since i no longer drive so they are really just a mild annoyance several times a day (or hour, depending). Not a big deal, really. Hmm, what else….hell i dunno!!
ok, good stuff now….
A few weeks back i went on a womens excersize retreat thing to Moab, UT. I had never been there before and i must say that even tho it was dry and pretty barren it was breathtaking!!! The variations of color that can be found in geological formations just blows me away!!! I even got to see some real live petroglyphs!!! Our driver said they were something like 900 yrs old!! We biked and hiked and ate and laughed. It was so much fun.
Spring has started up here in the mountains and the snow has all but melted here in town. The creek is flowing again and i am starting to see little green things peeking from under the dirt. I am going to try and grow some flowers this year. I would say veggies too, but lets be realistic, i am no gardner.
Oh!!! My daughter turned 13 this past week!! That was a tough day for me. I was happy and sad all at once. I think she is going to be a pretty awesome lady one day. She is way more together than i was at her age, emotionally speaking. I have hope for her. 
I should have finished this post last night instead of trying to come back to it today. That never works for me. :/
So I will end it here with no real conclusion. Sorry for that.
08 Jan 2012
by lissacloudin Family
Its one week into 2012 now (thanks Crystal!). I guess the holidays were pretty busy around here. We had family in and lots of good times. It was nice. Hopefully more of you good people will come up here to visit, fall in love with the place and stay, or at least come back. its really that awesome here.
ok, updates are in order i guess. um, i don’t know where to start honestly its been so long and i have had so many different emotions.
I guess good news first, i have started slowly and steadily dropping the weight i accumulated last year. I don’t really know how its happening, i have not changed much at all, except i dont really care what i am eating anymore, well not ‘not care’ i jsut dont stress over it anymore. I eat whatever the hell i want to. I still try and avoid dairy most of the time, except when i don’t. lol.
A week or two ago i developed a strange new neurological symptom…my senses of taste and smell were totally screwed up for a little while (not the reason for the weightloss, but it sure helped that week!!) Everything tasted and smelled horrible. even chocolate made me wanna gag!! it was awful. The doc said that the receptors for those senses are in the same area where the tumor is and have most likely been damaged or irritated by it. I was pretty pissed, honestly. But after a little while things seem to have gotten mostly back to normal….it sort of comes and goes now. Apparently the nerves got tired of sending me that message that something was wrong in there so they gave up trying to get my attention.
Now i am having headaches and starting with the “forgetting” that happened before. The other day i forgot how to write my name. I was signing the form at the hospital where i get my bloodwork done and not ony did i forget HOW to write my name i forgot what my name was too!! It only lasted for a few seconds but enough to get my attention. I told the doc when i went up to see him and he was pretty concerned about it. Especially with the other random symptoms i have had the past few weeks. So I have an MRI scheduled for Monday. yay. not.
I have been trying pretty hard not to think about it the past few days. Mostly because i am not terribly optimistic about what we will see. I have been feeling a bit, well, norbid, lately. Not for any discernable reason. Its like i can hear the clock ticking. Like in that Edgar Allan Poe story, I can’t remember the name right now, but we all had to read it in high school so you know what i am talking about. I feel like i can hear it all around me, counting backwards to zero…its a wierd feeling. It makes me sad, not for me but for my children and husband. I never want them to feel the pain or sadness that i know is coming. I know I have already beaten the odds and i am on borrowed time and i am beyond grateful for that, you have no idea! But i want more, dammit!!!! I want to live to see the baby graduate high school or my daughter walk down the aisle…or hold a grandchild!!! Most of you will get those things….why not me? Its not fair dammit!!
Now don’t think for one bloody second that i have given up, but the reality of this situation is hard to deny. This thing is more likely to end me than, say, a sattelite falling on my head or something. And that sucks.
So i try and make every day better than the one before. I make sure to tell the people in my life that i love them. often. If i say it to you, i mean it. They are not empty words to me and i do not just throw them around for something to do.
So, on that note i will end. <3
16 Nov 2011
by lissacloudin Family
Ok..i am intentionally avoiding something very sad and heartbreaking in this post even though it is still very fresh for me. A friends mother-in-law lost her battle with brain cancer yesterday. I am heartbroken for her family, beyond words. But i am also working through some kind of survivors guilt. I may post more about it another time, but for now…send some extra love into the world for this family tonight, please, they certainly need it.
It has been a pretty busy month for us here. We had two of the boys birthdays and Halloween. One of the kids brought home a nasty cold that got passed around the house and landed G in the ER with croup! That was kinda scary. He was all congested and having trouble sleeping and woke up crying, well trying to cry, and he couldn’t breathe. He freaked out, I freaked out, we rushed to the hospital only to have to sit in an empty waiting room for almost an hour (!) before we were seen. Luckily the shock of the cold air from the drive over helped calm his breathing down. He was given a breathing treatment and some liquid steroids (my favorite :/ ) and we were sent on our way.
Acouple of days later i got the same cold. blegh. There went my voice. poof! Sore throat, painful dry cough, sore lungs….i was sure i was going to end up with pneumonia….but i didnt. I got my voice back today and am feeling considerably better.
Just in time to go in for my weekly visit to the oncologist. woohoo. i have been having a wierd tic(?) on my eyelid so i mentioned it to him. He sent me straight over to the neurosurgeons office where the doc stopped what he was doing to see me. His proffessional opinion is that i have started having some sort of localized seizures in the area of my brain that controls facial movement. Apparently thats the area that has recieved the most damage (from surgery, radiation and the tumor itself). The “seizures” are random and very short but seem to be happening every few hours . Since they are small and pose no immediate danger to anyone’s health or saftey, he suggested that we just sort of wait it out and see what happens. They could get worse, stay the same ot go away just as suddenly as they appeared. Lets hope its the last one…i have made it this far without anti-seizure meds and i would like to keep it that way.
But of course now D is on high alert for any signs or symptoms that something coud be wrong. I cannot even space out into a daydream without him snapping me back making sure i am ok. I understand his concern, of course. I am so lucky to have him to watch over me in this life. Seriously. If it weren’t for that man i don’t think i ever would have had the strength to make it this far. He is my….everything solid and safe. He keeps me from getting lost inside myself but lets me retreat there when i need to. I could not have asked for a better life mate. <3
It has snowed a few times so far and the mountain is nicely covered. We have been up playing a few times and the kids love it. We take thier snowboards, skiis, and the sled and just hike up a little away from the lodge and just have a blast! I went one day with my friend Heather hiking in the snow. It was so beautiful. We didn’t go too far up, only to the top of the first lift, but it was so quiet and peaceful. That is wha ti remember most about my time on the mountain from years back…the peacefulness, the stillness, the quiet. Its like nothing you can find anywhere else. I love it.
21 Oct 2011
by lissacloudin Family
So its starting to get cooler here and the leaves are all blazing shades of gold, orange and red. Its beautiful. The kids are all getting excited about Halloween and getting thier costumes figured out. I have been asked a zillion times how much of thier candy will they be able to actually eat this year. Ha, depends on how much chocolate they get! tee hee.
I am still feeling restless and itching for adventure. Maybe its a season thing. Maybe not. Either way its there and very strong. I just hope i can keep my wits about me and not do anything reckless. *fingers crossed* but even if is did do something totally irresponsible and reckless and unexpected, would that be so bad? I mean, its kinda who i am…or was…or will be……who knows?!
My last MRI was good so I have been in pretty good spirits (mostly) since then. My last round of chemo was less difficult than it has been in the previous months. I was even able to keep up with the housework for most of the week. I seem to be getting some sort of system down….or maybe its just all of the coffee i have been drinking! Either way, its working.
D and the three youngest kids went for a crazy hike the other day. It was like 2 miles up this canyon trail to see a waterfall and lake and then back down the same way…wow. it was a challenge for sure. My calf muscles are still sore from it!! But it was so beautiful.
I was certainly proud of myself for making it all the way up there…especially since a year ago i couldn’t even make it out to my front yard!! Progress is good. Maybe next year i will be able to run up it!
My daughter had to do a power point project for school on her hero this week….and she chose me!! I was suprised, but quite honored by her choice. She brought it home for me to see today and it was so sweet. There was one thing that bugged me tho….and that is that it was all focused around my cancer and how that has impacted me. But i suppose it also shows that she is more aware of what i am going through and the reality of how serious it is. Her final slide was supposed to be what she has learned from me and she said “that no matter what happens, you have to always get back up and keep going. never give up” I guess i’m doing something right. :’)
05 Sep 2011
by lissacloudin Family
We have a squirell that lives in the space beneath our porch and walkway. He has the non fluffiest tail i have ever seen on a squirell!!! So we have started giving him peanuts in hopes that the extra food will help him grow into a big strong fluffy tailed super squirell. I dunno if it will work, but ima try. He looks so small and pitiful. I wonder if what they eat really does affect the way the tails look or if it is just an age thing or environmental thing even. I guess we will see.
So my birthday was about a week ago. I got spoiled by my kids and hubby. The nite before i went to the restaraunt where D works and he saved me the best table on the roof for the whole nite and i had dinner and dessert there. It was so nice. Just me, no kids for the whole evening. Then on the morning of my actual bday they made me french toast and juice and a “cake” of blueberry muffins!! Then they gave me these cards they made that formed this sweet message when they were all put in order. I got messages from family and new bindings from the hubby for my snowboard(which was supposed to already be my gift). I also got some cards, awesome jewelry and ITunes credits!! It was a really nice day in all. even tho all but one of my friends totally forgot!! *stickstoungeoutatyouall* I am now 35 years old. holy crap. I still don’t feel my age tho. Well, maybe sometimes i do…but not always.
I got some fun music with my gift card….stuff from my early teen years. Listening to it as an adult, its no wonder i am so twisted now!!!! Some of the lyrics are disturbing, to say the least. It was those twisted and deranged lyrics that formed alot of the way i see the world and how i expect interpersonal relationships to be. oh well, at least i’m colorful!! 
I have been fighting a travelling jones the last few weeks. I think a trip is in my near future. I cannot decide between hitchiking or taking a train or bus…they all have pros and cons of course so the choice is a hard one. I am not sure which direction i wanna go either. That would probably determine which mode of transport i take. I need to reclaim some sort of independance and self reliance for myself. I am having a hard time with the whole being stuck thing. Even tho i can walk or bike or have someone drive me to wherever i wanna go i still have to depend on someone else for something. either to drive or to keep the kids or even to give me “permission” to go….its kinda killing me. Everything i do outside of this house depends on the schedules of other people. People who do not have to take me into account when making thier schedules. It is just a given that i will always be here. Day in and day out.
If i had a job it would be diferent, except not really. I would have to arrange childcare and make sure it was payed for. So i would have to pay for the privilege of having a job. Even if i could get one, which i doubt i could. Blegh…..anyway.
Being “stuck” does not work well for me. I need to have some breathing room…or something. In the past i was described as a “free spirit” and i never had trouble wandering wherever the wind blew…and i was happy. I sometimes think i am not designed to be settled down. Honestly i never thought i would, at least not in a way that would keep me so confined. I just hope i find ssome kind of balance before i…..
11 Aug 2011
by lissacloudin Family
So i have seen the counselor three times now. (i think) She seems to be helping me figure out what the heck is going on in this melon of mine. I blabber for like 45 mins about all of the things i have bugging me and somehow thru all of it she can find the common theme and help me identify it. Then we talk about it and try and figure out one way to help lessen the intensity of it….whatever it may be. I guess thats how therapy is supposed to work. Its working for me anyway.
i kinda suck at my homework, tho. this week i am supposed to be finding one fun thing to do and doing it. um, i have been cleaning house all week. that is most definitely not fun!!! I keep trying to think of things that would be fun to do..just me, by myself….but i just cannot make myself think of anything!! And the couple of things i have thought of are just too farfetched (hang gliding, new tattoo…) to be theraputic, i think. its supposed to be something i can do on a regular basis, say weekly, to put myself first for a change. i think a weekly tattoo would start to get expensive, plus i would run out of skin real quick like!!
I thought of painting, and i think thats gonna be the winner. its something i can do that i enjoy. the only catch is that i have to wait until the kids are in bed before i can get all my stuff out….so thats just using the time i already have alone, not making time for myself and i think thats not quite how i’m supposed to be doing this.
Another question, related to the fun thing, that i am supposed to be thinking of is “if i had one week left to live what would i wanna do?” thats hard, because the first thing that comes to mind is “lots of sex!!!” but i think its supposed to be something i have never done before. lol! um, go to Europe and spend the nite in a haunted castle and walk around in a long white nightgown carrying a candelabra? Hell, i don’t know!!!So this week i have been cleaning house and trying to think of fun things i can do. Any suggestions would be appreciated!!!
31 Jul 2011
by lissacloudin Family
Today a friend sent me a pic of us at his 11th grade prom or homecoming or something. I was suprised with the pic because A. its like 20 yrs old now and B. i was so flippin skinny!! I remember i weighed 117 lbs at that age. and i was beautiful. Thin looks way better on me than fat does. Si i have decided to start using speed and lose that extra __ lbs. lol, not really. i hate speed. but i really do want to lose this weight. i went to the doc last week for a checkup after the months chemo round and when he asked how i was feeling i said ” a little tired.” he leaned over and whispered in my ear “Lose weight.” ouch. I know i’m fat, but bloody hell man!! It took everything i had not to just bust out crying…even now just typing it i am choking up. i have lost about 30 of the steroid pounds i gained, but obviously i have a way to go. and with my recent failure at excersize i am not in a good place with my body. not that i ever really have been. i remember the night of that dance thinking of how fat i looked and embarassed with my jiggly arms and “poochy” belly. i am posting the pic here so you could see what i really looked like.i would give anything to have that body back…. i was nowhere near fat!!! But i am now. theres no doubt about that. So, what now?
I have already cut my portions to less than what the 3yo eats. i regularly consume less than 1500 calories in a day. some days are more, of course. but not by much. unless its a really bad day.then all bets are off.
i have started feeling guilty about eating anything at all anymore. theres always some reason that whatever i have chosen is unhealthy or the wrong choice. if i get organic whole grain 7 grain bread, its the carbs i should avoid. If i get baby carrots its the chlorine used in processing thats bad. fruit or fruit bars have too much sugar. sugarfree stuff is bad because of the substitutes. there is nothing that is actually good for you anymore. and growing my own food is just not an option. i kill most every plant i look at. i just can’t win. and then there is calories!! ugh, so much to think about and feel bad for not doing right. *sigh*
on a happier note tho…i got an ipod shuffle. i filled it eith all sorts of songs hat make me feel good and spunky. i can play it thru D’s stereo and listen to music while i clean or whatever. its nice. helps me stay out of my head and stay above the funk.
i do however get lost in memory sometimes when i hear certain songs and start to wonder “what if…?” that usually doesnt end well, because alot of the possible scenarios are so much different from the life i have now and i am trying to be happy with this one. sometimes thats hard to do with all i have going on. but i have to try…right?
24 Jul 2011
by lissacloudin Family
So i have been fairly quiet here lately. i have been kinda introspective and anticomputer. I am trying to get my head together and what not.
I met with the counselor last week and she was….nice. very tall, lol. but the meeting was mostly intake stuff and her getting my backstory. i dont know if she is going to be any actual help or not. She seems genuine so i will give her a shot, but i am not overly optimistic of the outcome. i have dealt with therapists before and they are usually quick to diagnose and wanna hand out pills. She already suggested the possibility of me being “bi polar” or having tendencies towards a multiple polarity personality. ugh…is that the first thing they all do? i think its some sort of “crazy” test.
oh, oven just beeped. gotta take dinner out before it burns, again. bye bye!!
16 Jul 2011
by lissacloudin Family
I should probably go back and re-read things i have already written about so i don’t repeat myself. But i don’t and i probably won’t ever start. i suppose if you are reading this you don’t mind the repetition….
I have been going kinda nuts lately. Mental breakdown, emotional outbursts, suffocating depression, unfounded self loathing…..all that sort of thing. It is taking a toll on not only me but the whole family. There are fights, and yelling and unpleasantness galore!! I don’t think its just me tho. I mean, sure if i was not losing my marbles there would nt be so much instability, but c’mon….i am not the only adult here. One would think that a supportive partner would see whats going on and be able to adjust, right? I mean, compassion is in seriously short supply around here…but not frustration and anger and blame and resentment. oh no. we have plenty of that. i know that some of it is coming from me but i just cannot seem to control what i feel and i seem to have forgotten how to keep my mouth shut!!
I think i am getting into the “grieving” part of having cancer. i can imagine that is hard for anyone. but i have the emotional stability of a teenager, i think we have discussed this, and i seem to feel certain emotions 100X more than i think i probably should. Do you remember when you were a teenager and something bad happened and it felt like your entire world was crashing down and it would never be ok again and you were just going to DIE because of it? Thats how i feel. All the time. If i burn the toast or don’t get to the laundry before it piles up or anything…it doesn’t matter. When something bad happens its like the world is ending for me, and it hurts and then the beating myself up starts and that never ends well. logically(as an adult) i know that my reaction is ridiculous, but i cannot stop it. so the anger, sadness, fear etc that goes along with this whole grieving thing is hard. I am only guessing thats what is happening because it would really suck if these were my real everyday feelings.
if they are….my marraige will end. i will leave my family. i may or may not end my life/become a junkie/kill someone.
i am meeting with a counselor on Monday. for real, i have an appointment. i don’t know how well that will go over, because i trust noone even when i am happy, and much less when i am notsomuch. but i have to try something.
oh and if i hear “just give it time” once more i swear i will slap someone. hard. like a pimp.
08 Jul 2011
by lissacloudin Family
Today I upgraded my wordpress and internet explorer, because the little bubbles told me to. NOw i don’t know where anything is!! All of the things I had saved that helped me navigate are not where I left them. Everything looks different and its very unsettling for me.
Also, i have been trying to find a salon/stylist that can put extensions in the little bit of hair i ddo have so i don’t look like such a freak. So far nothing. i keep hearing , just wear a wig. um, if i wanted to wear a fucking wig i would put on one of the half dozen i have in my bottom drawer!!!!! Wigs are uncomfortable and hard to keep in place. Plus they are not natural looking, no matter what the salesperson or ad tells you. when u have on a wig, its obvious.
There are some people close to me that say “just deal with it” until it grows out some more and then it won’t be so bad. Um, you have plenty of hair evenly dispersed all over your head. I don’t. People do not stare at you and children are not afraid of you. Don’t think you have any idea what i am dealing with. Just because you had a bad haircut once and had to wait a few weeks or even months for it to grow out so you could do something with it does not mean you have any freakin idea what i am dealing with here. GRRRRR!!!!!!!
On a happy note, however…my sister had her little baby boy yesterday!! He is super cute and totally healthy…despite his leisurely entrance into this world (he was 9 days late, the lil stinker!!)
oh yeah, the whole reason i came on here was to tell you all about an awesome book i got in the mail yesterday. Its called The Succulent Wild Woman and i read the whole thing in almost one sitting!!!! Usually i cannot read more than a few lines at a time before getting distracted or forgetting what i was even reading. V=But i was able to read and finish that book. It was wonderful. Which ever of you sent it knew what youwere doing when you picked it out. I don’t knwo who it came from, but there are only a few women i know who would use the word “succulent” or read a book with that in the title….but whoever you are, thank you. I felt so inspired while i was reading it.
Sadly tho, i cannot remember most of it today and i feel myself slipping again into ickiness. I hope i can manage to use the book as a reference when i forget what i learned.
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